I don’t know how to begin this

I can’t even think of where to start…

I had a long explanation of why I’m posting this but really, it’s just to help you understand. And for some of you out there, you do understand.

This is right after. Gasping, choking, confused, denial, sinking, sulking, sleeping, trying, racing. Alone, abandoned. Weak, exhausted, disgusted, confused. Hiding, naked, cold, hot, confused.

This is the very next morning. First light, first consciousness. Alone, stripped. Disgusted, overwhelmed. Confused, angry? smell, Nausea. Sad, spinning. Still.

Sit up. Smell. Feel. Feel nothing.

Walking to the door. Robotic. Feel, nope. Strip. Feel, nope.

This is the shower. Water, on. Hot, on. Flood. Memories. Tears, no. face. touch. hand. hips. pain. Flinch. Heartbeat. Numb. Water, cold. Shiver, smell, gone. Breathe.

I hear a lot of people talk about “the shower the next morning.” I hear people say it’s an attempt to wash yourself clean. And it is, kind of. It’s different for everyone. I can only truly speak for myself.
Upon first waking up I wanted to vomit at his smell on me, that was my initial motive for the shower. But then half way to the bathroom I shut off and went into auto-pilot mode. Everything was kind of an out-of-body experience after that.
The reason the shower was so intense is because it was the first time I really fully experienced it again. While I was being assaulted, I was in survival mode. When I got in the shower, the memories ambushed me. I experienced everything again as though the memories were playing on a film reel in my mind and I was unable to stop it. They rushed over my brain and senses, even my body, as though I could still feel him on me. Then I stood in the shower longer with the hope that everything from the night before would wash away with the water and take my emotions and memories with it.
And that’s just the first shower. For several weeks after the assault memories would ambush me in the shower. Occasionally they will even now, years later. And sometimes, to be honest, if I’ve felt significantly uncomfortable around men one day, I’ll take a shower to try to wash it off mentally. Those are conscious efforts.

This goes with the morning after. The minds eye, if you will.

But somewhere in the auto-pilot numbness, the memories, the smell, skin crawling, and the dry tears, this is how i felt, but where I wanted to be. This is the naked painful reality in the hope of peace I wanted so bad.